This Loneliness aināt Pretty no more
The other day I saw a kindred soul who Iāve never met in person speak on her instagram story about feeling lonely. Itās not that she was crying on video or asking for company. She was speaking about a very relatable subject.
Feeling loneliness as a single woman living on her own.
I replied because I felt moved to reply and give some support.
Iām well seasoned in many months of living alone.
Last December I wanted to give new music a listen to curb my taste. I heard out some new albums.
But one in particular really stood out and I had it on repeat for 3 weeks.
I would wake up in the morning hearing the songs play in my mind. I would go to sleep hearing them too. Until one day it was just one track from the album that I only wanted to hear and sing to.
It was a song about deep loneliness, enough to make one shed tears. When I first heard it I had to cry, even hide it for a time. Then over the weeks I grew to listen to it out of pure enjoyment. I remembered the words and didnāt feel any sadness.
I asked myself why do we some times play some music on repeat? Like weāre insatiable.
Some of my inner guidance would answer
āMusic evokes emotions and memories. We want to feel those again and again.ā
When we experience something impactful, we try to recreate it.
Whether itās tenderly laying in the arms of a lover who has deeply hurt you, to choosing the same flavor of ice cream at the store month after month, or sticking with the same order youāve always liked at the P-Terryās drive-through every time.
The way that I can describe loneliness for myself as a woman who lived by herself is that itās like the one song on a musical album that makes you cry and the album is on repeat. It may hurt when it starts playing, and the pain just means that you need healing because thereās a schism in the mind from the past, but all you can really do is listen to it and ride it out as best as you can hopefully in a non-self destructive way.
When those moments of dense emotional loneliness come through, notice your physical state.
Have you had enough sleep?
Enough to eat? Enough of what you wanted to eat?
Have you laughed enough?
Moved enough?
What have you done specifically for yourself in the day just because it was your choice and you wanted to?
What do you know works for you when it comes to soothing yourself?
I noticed that during those dark moments it was always after a full day of working in a windowless room for at least 5 hours on massage clients. I didnāt have enough sunlight, water, food to eat at the right times, nor had I looked anyone in the eye and had a simple conversation that wasnāt one sided.
When Iām feeling tearful and reeling with emotion in the night, Iāve had to just be honest with myself and say
āI am tired. I am a tired girl and need to go to bed.ā
āMy mind is wired but my body is tired and therefore I will take the first step to getting to bed by midnight.ā
Sleep is very healing. It wonāt fix your personal problems but having night time rituals that will lead you to bed will set you up for the recovery you need from just being in a physical body on this earth. For myself, I begin by turning on my red light. It turns everything in my space red. It makes a very low light so even then my eyes can begin to rest while I go through my routine.
Next I brush my teeth, gently wash my face, apply a night cream, then slip into some comfy bedtime clothes.
I do some magic night rituals then I simply lay down. I can feel the relief in my body immediately.
And then my mind slowly drifts into a quiet heaviness and I fall asleep.
______________________________
In the last few months I recently took on a roommate because this person was not in a good place and needed help.
While Iāve benefited from this situation, Iāve realized that I am not ready to sacrifice the entirety of my inner world and need it back very much. It was only because I made this decision that I could see the value in the journey of being on my own.
Even though there was loneliness in living alone, looking back, it was still part of my very beautiful and highly valuable inner world. From now on even with the pain I will cherish it and protect it.
And when I feel loneliness come back to the surface and Iāll say
āOk here it is again, I know what this is and it does not indicate any truth of my reality,ā and Iāll ride that emotional wave and care for myself.
I also will never again feel sorry for another person for the situation that they are in enough to completely scoop them up so they donāt have to suffer.
(In the U.S. weāre not living in a country where there is no option for food, water, shelter and some form of income or personal and spiritual growth. We are thankfully not being bombed to smithereens. There is opportunity everywhere. And so a man and a woman have the option to make their lives their own and it can be done.)
Instead, I will know and believe that they are empowered to change it themselves just like I did for myself. I crawled out of my own personal hell to get where it is that I am and while I did have some help no one but me took any part of it on. And then I gave up a piece of it way too easily.
Why does another person deserve a free ride provided by me when I myself did not have one?
My sisters, my Goddesses, never sacrifice any part of your inner world for any reason.
Not for a man, not for money, not for loneliness nor for a broken heart at your doorstep or in your own chest.
So loneliness and all the thoughts that come with it is not an indication of a truth or reality.
It just means you need healing and is an invitation to Know Thyself better.
Ciao for now and I hope by my next blog post I will have my inner world and its physical structure back all to myself and my own energy again.
P.S. The Album I had on repeat this month and last was Lucha by Y La Bamba
Post November
A quick post Thanksgiving story and what Iām into and observing!
I have gotten back into the swing of things after such a rude interruption from THANKSGIVING. Iāve noticed that thereās a strange lull feeling in the collective mind around the holidays.
One thing I really wanted to accomplish when I realized Thangs Givinā was in 3 days and not 3 weeks (TiMeWaRp) was make a pie for the very first time.
Iāve have an acquaintance who bakes. At work, she recently brought in a lavender goat milk cheese cake that she made to share on a day that I was particularly hungry. The taste was decadent and maybe there was some of her own creative essence in there that inspired me at the heart to do something similar.
Being an October baby, I easily made the choice that it was to be a pumpkin pie that I would make. I took the recipe from the can of pumpkin puree and went for it. This one was both gluten free and dairy free as this is a dietary requirement for the boyfriend who I was going to be sharing it with mostly. I took a can of very thick thai coconut milk and used a GF pie crust available at the store. It was tha bomb and so easy to make. Very moist and just enough sweet.
I had to share it with at least 1 other friend. I even ate a slice for brekkie and saved the last one for an afternoon treat with a cup oā coffee.
I wanted to make it again before the day of thanks so I went into the store the night before. But then I found myself orbiting the donut shelf for 5 minutes. I snapped out of it and looked up to the sound of a teenage girl talking back to her mom. I realized everyone in the store was in a daze or stressed in their attempts to gather last minute ingredients and ThanksGiving quick fixes and being an empath, therefore, so was I. For a long time I could not locate the sections where ingredients for a pumpkin pie would be. So I let it go, stocked up on lime flavored hot cheetos and said I would try again another time.
And so my first pie would be my last for a while.
For FriendsGiving I wore my NastyGal all black jumpsuit, with my tan satin Bandana. Itās pretty much the same color as the pumpkin pie I made.
I love bandanas. Iāve become a bandana collector. The original reason I got into bandanas as a long term thing is because I wear a lot of black. I have a very deep goth streak in my personality and so I wanted to introduce and play with more color in my wardrobe. It all started when I was gifted a really strange furoshiki from Lush, I had it for over a year because I was unsure of how to use it! But after receiving a good round of healing I became open to color and I wore it around my neck with an all black outfit. That day I took a fellow Light Worker to the airport, met some family for a hotpot birthday dinner, then hung out with a dear friend afterward. I looked sleek but also artfully strange. I loved it. I exuded a beautiful sadness from a turbulent break up at the time. I felt so raw yet so well put together. I was sad at the very end of my day when it was time to take everything off and change into PJs!
I also really dig western style. Having a bandana in whatever way of tying it gives a slight masculine/utilitarian edge thanks to the familiar imagery of cowboy and ranch culture but can be softened and feminized using tasteful colors and designs, tactful folding, and soft, shiny fabrics.
Here are a few bandanas Iāve had my eye on for a while.
Another thing Iāve been into lately is anything Japanese, especially Geisha. The word āGeishaā in Japanese literally means Art Person. And as a jill of many trades myself I have always appreciated the senses of such a dynamic and mystical representation of culture, especially one of such refinement.
It was known that Geishas worked with the Goddess Benzaiten who was the Japanese buddhist form of Saraswati! Who is the Goddess of wisdom, arts, and music. Iām excited about this for those of you who know me very personally: If you know, you know ty :)
Dance of Cranes by Haruyo Morita
I had been looking at shirt with this art work printed on it for an entire year and finally gifted it to myself this last month. I wear it all the time. Iām wearing it as I type! I got it in a black XL for comfort and proportion to my 5ft tall body. I love wearing it with black skinny jeans and black platform sandals. The Mother of Pearl Gem necklace from Essentia Gems is an elegant touch. I would love to add a dash of cherry red or deep turquoise with a tightly worn scarf around my neck.
The image on the shirt is called the Dance of Cranes by Haruyo Morita. Whatās funny is after I got this shirt I also bought myself am embroidery kit with Japanese Cranes! I hadnāt realized this until I received it in the mail.
I see these cranes as a common thread in what I create in my experiences. From a Shamanic approach, itās an energy I am resonating with and attempting to understand and take in by appreciating it, wearing it, and creating a form of it with my own hands. Pretty cool right?
I canāt promise that Iāll finish all of these embroidery projects anytime soon, but when I do Iāll absolutely share my progress.
Thatās all I have for now! More of what Iām into to come soon!
If itās meant to beā¦you make it happen!
The very first lesson I learned on the path of progression and a glimpse of who I used to be.
Thereās a saying that I used to live by. It made me feel safe and better about not having the things that I wanted.
And that saying is,
If itās meant to be, it will be. Or it will happen somehow.
I remember this as the first lesson that I learned on the path of progression.
I was on my way to becoming an initiate.
I had just been Life Activated and reached a new level of awareness, happiness, and creative expression. I spent a lot of days in the sun, I had just fallen in love with a new man, and my being was full of new energy and life was bright.
And I knew that going into the Mystery School was what I wanted.
The Empower Thyself class was usually taught on a weekend at the end of the month.
At the time, I was working at a popular coffee shop. As far as my lifeās career, I had tried a few things like musical projects, basic college courses, and massage school, but I didnāt actually know what direction to go into and I did not make a choice as I lived by the phrase,
If itās meant to be, it will be.
Or the universe will make it happen and bring it to me.
And I want whatever the universe wants for me!ā¦ (because I didnāt actually know what I wanted, because I didnāt know who I wasā¦")
If I was meant to be a musician, I would have met someone by chance and they would take me under their wing to teach me all they know and I would become a well known singer!
Or if I was meant to be an engineer or a doctor, studying and good grades would have come easily to me.
Or even if I was supposed to do massage work, I would have gotten my license already which at the time I had finished school, but still had assignments and tuition owed.
It was all supposed to be easy and handed to me. It seemed that way for everyone else who was doing what they wanted to do. This was the way I used to think.
And so, I just worked minimum wage at a coffee shop to pay my credit card debt off and also maybe get somewhere with paying off school.
And I at first believed I could apply this way of living to the up-coming Empower Thyself class.
Two weeks out, I wasnāt scheduled to work at the coffee shop on that weekend. And I saw that as my chance to go to the class.
āYes! Itās meant to be!!ā I said.
The Thursday before the class, I received an email saying that I was scheduled to work a shift on that Saturday, day 1 of Empower Thyself.
I looked down, and said maybe this isnāt what Iām supposed to do.
I told my teacher about it. Aaron said, if you actually want to do this, or anything in your life, you need to create space for it.
And so I had another month to decide.
It was during the weekend that I would have been at Empower Thyself that I had my first experience of gazing into the eyes of my lover at golden hour, laying on the top of the grassy hill at Barton springs.
It was pure bliss and also in that moment that I heard the footsteps of the person who gave me my Life Activation. James.
āWhy arenāt you at Empower Thyself?ā he asked as he looked into my eyes.
I shooād him away for interrupting my moment of paradise and said I would go next monthā¦but it lead me to really think and even now think backā¦what stopped me?
It was this āIf itās meant to be, it will beā saying that I lived by.
Which is what we say to ourselves when we donāt believe weāre worthy of going out and doing what our soul is calling for us to do and go after.
Itās what we say when we donāt believe weāre strong enough or worthy enough to be who we are meant to be, to put in the effort to really dig and direct energy.
When we donāt want to be responsible for the fate of our lives and be in control of what we actually do have control over, we leave it to chance. We give up.
Itās what I said to myself believing that leaving it all to chance would take me where I belong.
And that is a lie.
I made sure to request off from my job for the weekend of the following months Empower Thyself. And it as granted.
I put in my deposit to secure my spot. Doing this anchored in the transformational energy that I would experience in the class in that point in time.
And just like in my experience when signing up to receive Life Activation, things continued to shift that opened the way for me to arrive at class.
The only thing left to stop me was myself. And I did not!